


New Born

by doofnpuss



Series: Black Wedding [4]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: M/M, human!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-07-06 15:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15888429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doofnpuss/pseuds/doofnpuss
Summary: Heinz has been invited to Roger's engagement party, and decides to use the opportunity to ruin his brother's life. However, he didn't expect a certain teal-haired agent to be there.





	1. Fight Fire..

**Author's Note:**

> Two-parter!

Heinz hated parties. Of all the annoying, redundant and idiotic social events Heinz had ever experienced, parties were the worst. Especially when they were put on by his awful brother Roger. And the doctor would not have even been at this party, if Roger hadn’t pulled the, “but you’re family!” card. The, “what would mother say?” card. 

Because Roger was now engaged. And apparently, his over-the-top fiancee felt it important to celebrate their happiness with a huge party in the grand space of city hall. 

Heinz hadn’t met the “lucky” woman. He didn’t care. He didn’t want to be here. It may have seemed petty, but in the eyes of Heinz, who had spent his life pushed aside in favor of his brother like a used dish towel, this party was nothing but a pathetic waste of time. He could barely contain his anger as he entered the grand hall, avoiding as many people as possible. 

“Heinz!”

The doctor grumbled as a familiar voice washed over him. 

“Hello, brother.”

“I’m so glad you could make it!” Roger beamed, oblivious to Heinz’s irritable smile, or simply choosing to be, as he clasped his brother on the back. “I have so many people I want you to meet! Including my beautiful fiancee, Clara.”

And the girl was beautiful. Heinz wouldn’t have expected anything less from Roger’s bride-to-be. She wore heels so tall Heinz was afraid she’d trip and die. Her bright red hair was braided tightly behind her head, and her dress, light blue and feathery, swayed with the perfect movements of her petite hips. Next to Roger, who was dolled up in a navy suit, the two were beacons of the perfect couple. Clara smiled graciously at Heinz and stepped forward, pulling him into a hug.

He stiffened, unsure what he was supposed to do. So the doctor simply stood there for an agonizing two seconds, before the girl finally let go.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She grinned sweetly. 

“Yeah.” Heinz whispered, barely suppressing an eye roll. 

“Well, Mother is over with some esteemed guests. I’m sure she would love to see you.”

The doctor was still entertaining the idea of not seeing his mother at all. Wouldn’t she be too busy fussing over her favorite son, and talking to all his important friends, most of which were politicians themselves? But he didn’t say this, instead, shrugging his shoulders as a response.

Roger sighed, “Really, Heinz, she would love to see you.”

“Yeah, whatever. Is Father not here?”

“He couldn’t make it.”

“Ah.”

With a nod, Roger turned to his next audience, who whisked him away with his fiancee in a heap of “good lucks!” and “congratulations,” leaving Heinz alone to wander about the party, wondering what he should do to bide his time. It’s a good thing he had devised an evil scheme for this night, otherwise, it would have been quite the bummer. He couldn’t wait to show Roger what _real_ power looked like.And the look on his mother’s face would be priceless.

But first, that open bar was calling his name.

Heinz approached the bartender. “Hi, can I have an Old Fashioned.”

The man nodded, quickly mixing together his drink and handing it to him. Heinz carefully turned around, trying not to spill it. He expected to make his way over to one of the tables and hide away from his mother. What he _didn’t_ expect was Perry Greyson to be standing right behind him. 

The two blinked at each other. For a moment, Heinz was almost sure this was someone else, as this person, though still sporting teal hair, wasn’t wearing a fedora, nor was he adorned in typical “agent” clothing. This man wore a simple black button up shirt, black slacks, black high heels, making him just slightly taller than Heinz, and was showcasing a full face of make up. The only thing Heinz could think was how stunningly it complemented his tanned skin.

But it was Perry. The man’s lips twitched in a quirky smile, similar to ones Heinz had witnessed before. 

“Hey.”

Heinz blinked again, finally finding his voice. “ _Perry?!_ ”

The agent didn’t seem the least bit fazed, but that might have been the training in him. Instead, he brushed past the doctor and ordered a drink from the bar. Feeling rather embarrassed at his awkward predicament, Heinz sauntered away to the furthest table without anyone occupying it, downing most of his drink in one gulp in the process it. 

A moment later, his nemesis was following him. Very typical.

“I hate parties.” Perry smiled, approaching Heinz. “This spot taken?”

“If you’re here to foil my evil scheme, don’t get your hopes up.”

Perry took a seat, raising an eyebrow. “I’m actually here with my sister, Linda. She friend’s with Clara, Roger’s fiancee. But thanks for the heads up on your evil scheme.”  
  
“You’re trapped by societal convention, anyway.”

“Ah.”

Heinz wasn’t sure whether to believe Perry’s story about his sister or not, as it was possible that O.W.C.A. was trying to pull a wall over his eyes. But either way, the idea that Perry had his own life randomly started to nag at the doctor’s mind. This really wasn’t all that crazy. After all, it was only logical. Heinz just hadn’t considered the possibilities of such a reality. This moment was a strange collision of worlds that didn’t sit quite right with him. The idea that Perry had this other world, and was comfortable wearing make up- it was bizarre and giving Heinz a mild feeling of yearning. How much did Doofenshmirtz really matter to Perry, compared to the rest of his life? How much of their daily routine was just a job? Did Perry have a family? Kids? And why, oh why, did Heinz even care about these things, when they hadn’t even crossed his mind in the last five years?

The scientist shook himself out of his thoughts. Now was not the time.

“I suppose I’ll tell you my evil scheme since you’re well and fully trapped.” Heinz sighed, setting down his empty glass. “So here’s my backstory: Roger has always been my mother’s favorite child. I don’t know what it was that made him so much better than me, but I’ve been trying to figure it out for the last twenty years, and it’s maddening. _This_ is just another stupid example of that. I hate my brother and I don’t want him to be happy. And then I had an idea.. why not put two schemes in one? I’ll ruin my brother’s life, _and_ take over the Tri-State Area at the same time! That’s why I created the broken-heart-inator!”

Perry glanced around the room, waiting for some reveal, but Heinz only pulled out a small remote. “I have it hidden somewhere in this building, where _you’ll_ never find it. I’m going to shoot Clara with it during their big announcement later, and then Clara will break up with Roger in front of everyone and make him look like a fool! And then, in his stupor, I will take control of the Tri-State Area!”

Although Perry was trying to look disinterested, Heinz noticed the way his eyes widened. He grinned; he loved making Perry feel threatened. It was only fair as his nemesis to give the agent a challenge. 

Perry finished his martini, seeming to savor the last drop as he, too, set down his empty glass. “Then I guess we’ll see who wins.”


	2. ..With A Bad Case of Self-Hatred

Perry Greyson couldn’t believe it when his sister Linda told him he was invited to Roger’s engagement party with her and her husband, Lawrence. Major Monogram had already been trying to get him on the guest list without tripping any alarms, so to have an open passage was a clear opportunity. Although, Perry was sure Linda was just as surprised as he was when he immediately agreed to going. She knew he didn't really “do” social events. 

It was obvious his nemesis would try to ruin Roger’s special day. Heinz Doofenshmirtz hated his brother even more than he probably hated Perry, and that was saying something. 

Honestly, Perry wore the make up and high heels just to shock Heinz. This would be the first time they’d ever met outside of D.E.I., as Perry had taken every precaution to avoid Heinz’s regular destinations throughout the years. He wanted it to be memorable. Or maybe he just liked to make the man speechless once in awhile. 

Sitting across the table from the man now, Perry could see the hatred in his eyes. He was really willing to go through with this, to ruin the man’s life, without a hint of remorse. It was a chilling sight to behold. 

After finishing his drink, Perry decided not to move. It was better to keep an eye on the man until closer to Roger and Clara’s surprise announcement. Maybe Perry could distract Heinz enough to steal the remote from him. Or maybe he could just take it by force.

“Well?” Heinz snapped. “You’re just going to sit here?”

Perry smirked, and shrugged one shoulder. “This would be much easier if you’d just hand over the remote.”

“Are you even trying, Perry _Sarcasm-Son._ Because the answer would be a solid no.”

Well, force it was then. Perry scooted his chair back and grabbed Heinz’s arm, giving him a solid punch in the shoulder, sending the man backwards. Heinz cried out in pain as the remote slid out of his hands and underneath the table. But before Perry could reach for it, the doctor had pounced on his back and sent him to the ground as well.

It was a good thing they were in the corner of the room, as this would have been very hard to explain to his sister.

Perry tried to pry himself out of his nemesis’s grasp on his neck, but the doctor was obviously not having it. They tumbled against the wall, accidentally knocking the remote even farther out of reach. 

“Ladies and gentlemen, may we have your attention please!”

Roger and Clara had made their way onto the stage. Heinz was frantically pushing Perry out of the way, trying to reach the remote. Perry bit his lip; this wasn’t going to be good. 

“We are so thankful to each and every one of you for choosing to celebrate this special time with Clara and I. But this isn’t the only exciting news we wanted to celebrate with you today.”

Heinz had managed to grab onto the remote. Perry was desperately trying to wrench it out of hishands, but certain lights were already flashing on the remote. The agent grunted angrily as Heinz slipped out from under him and darted to the other side of the room as fast as he could. 

“Well, I guess what we’re trying to say-“ Roger continued, suddenly taking a deep breath and holding the microphone to his bridge. 

“We’re expecting!” She cried excitedly. 

A rush of enthusiasm immediately sprang from everyone in the audience. At this point, Perry had pushed through the crowd and stumbled over to Heinz, who had the remote pointed upwards, ready to fire. However, as the happy couple made their way off the stage and into the crowd of welcoming people ready to congratulate them, nothing happened. Perry watched his nemesis, who suddenly had a different expression on his face. He dropped the remote onto the ground, gritting his teeth, and unexpectedly bolted out of the room. 

Confused, Perry ran after him.

“Heinz!”

The doctor didn’t turn around. 

“ _Heinz!_ ”

By the time Perry caught up with the man, he was collapsed on the floor in one of the empty hallways, staring into the ground. Perry stopped for a moment and approached him cautiously, careful to watch the man’s hands for fear of being attacked again.

“Heinz.” The agent whispered. 

His nemesis looked up, shaking his head. “Why do I even bother, Perry? I can’t destroy my brother’s life now, not with a _baby_ on the way.”

This answer confused Perry. This was not the nemesis he’d come to know the last five years. This was.. weird. Heinz, being concerned about an unborn child? Perry had never seen this side of the man. Was this hesitation because he was also a father? Because he was divorced?

“I mean, that child is not my brother. They didn’t do anything. Destroying my brother’s life would mean destroying their life, and I can’t bring myself to do that. I’m supposed to be evil, dangit. Merciless. Unforgiving. Cold. That’s me; evil scientist, Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. And now I’m sat here, on the floor, rambling to you like some idiot. What is my life..”

Both men suddenly jumped as the door at the end of the hallway slammed open. A thick woman, with a long, grey dress and a bun of hair tied tightly behind her head marched down the corridor. Perry cringed; she did _not_ look happy.

“Heinz! You worthless Dummkopf. Get out here and congratulate your brother!”

Perry’s eyes widened as Heinz picked himself off the floor, his face burning red. But it wasn’t from embarrassment. The agent knew that look; it was one of rage. 

Heinz snarled, “I think he has enough admiring _fans_ in there to-“

_“Ich mache keine Witze!”_

Perry had absolutely no clue what that string of German meant, but whatever the woman said, it obviously struck something in his nemesis. “Yes, mother.” Heinz wordlessly followed her out of the room, not even sending a look back to Perry, who stood there, watching it unfold with a confused look.

There were only two things Perry really knew about Heinz’s childhood. One, that he definitely did not come out of it with a healthy relationship with either of his parents, or his only brother. And two, that Heinz was still obviously suffering the consequences of it, and wasn’t getting much help for this void in his life. It wasn’t something Perry could help with, or even felt comfortable talking about, but he knew Heinz was simply waiting for the perfect moment to strike back. 

_The remote._

Perry immediately darted back in the grand hall, relieved to find that the remote was still where Heinz had dropped it. He picked it up and pulled out the batteries, tossing them into the trash. There was no point in hitting the self-destruct button with all these civilians around, but at least it would delay Heinz if he tried to get his hands on the remote again.

However, there was no point, really. Perry briefly caught the sight of Heinz storming out of the building and fighting his way to his car. The agent had won, technically. But he didn’t feel any easier about the entire situation. 

Heinz with a niece or nephew conceived by his hated brother. God help them all. 


End file.
